What can You Do When Your Child is Mean to Others

If you’ve ever watched your child be unkind to another kid, you know that sinking feeling. You feel worried about the other child, embarrassed, and you are probably wondering where you went wrong as a parent. The good news is, this is incredibly common. And research shows there are proven ways to help your child learn to be kinder to others.

What’s Really Going On?

Mean or aggressive behavior in kids is more complicated than it might seem on the surface. And of course, parenting has a significant impact on children’s behaviors. When we, as parents, are too controlling or harsh, kids actually develop less empathy and can become more aggressive. Combining warmth with reasonable rules and expectations, can help children tend to thrive socially.

What Works

Parent Training Programs

Don’t worry—this doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent! Parent management training (PMT) and cognitive-behavioral approaches have strong research backing for helping kids with anger and aggression. These programs teach parents specific techniques to handle tough behaviors while strengthening your relationship with your child.

Smart Discipline Strategies

Studies show that consistent approaches like time-outs and planned ignoring, which is the active process of directing parental attention away from misbehaviors can really help improve kids’ cooperation. The trick isn’t being harsh—it’s being consistent and following through every time.

Building a Strong Foundation

The research is clear: the best way to prevent aggressive behavior is to create a stable, secure home where your child feels loved but also knows the rules. This means firm but loving discipline and keeping a close eye on younger kids during those tricky toddler and preschool years.

Specific Action Steps for Parents

Immediate Response Strategies

• Remain calm and avoid escalating the situation
• Remove your child from the situation if necessary to prevent further harm
• Address the behavior directly, avoid shaming the child
• Help your child make amends to the affected peer when appropriate

Long-Term Development Approaches

• Focus on building empathy through perspective-taking exercises
• Model appropriate conflict resolution in your own interactions
• Establish clear, consistent expectations about treating others with kindness
• Provide opportunities for positive peer interactions in structured settings

Building Emotional Regulation

Research indicates that children with deficits in emotion regulation often show increased aggressive behaviors. Parents can help by:

• Teaching children to identify and name their emotions
• Providing coping strategies for frustration and anger
• Creating regular routines that support emotional stability
• Offering plenty of physical activity to help manage energy and stress

When to Seek Professional Help

While many instances of mean behavior in children are developmentally appropriate and respond well to consistent parenting strategies, irritability and aggression are among the most common reasons that children are referred to outpatient mental health services. Consider consulting with a pediatrician or child therapist if:

• The behavior is escalating despite consistent intervention
• Your child seems unable to develop empathy for others
• The aggressive behavior is causing significant problems at school or in peer relationships
• You feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to respond effectively

The Importance of Self-Efficacy

Parents should remember that parents with low self efficacy have higher rates of depression, exhibit more defensive and controlling behavior, and use punitive disciplinary strategies. Building your confidence as a parent through education, support, and possibly professional guidance can significantly improve outcomes for your child. It’s important to keep in mind that reaching out to a therapist for support and coaching in parenting is not a sign of failure, but rather a proactive step in making things better. Our kids have teachers and tutors for academics and coaches for athletics. Therapists can offer parents the same guidance in the very difficult job of parenting.

Finally

Addressing mean behavior in children requires patience, consistency, and evidence-based strategies. The research clearly shows that authoritative parenting—combining warmth with appropriate boundaries—is most effective in helping children develop empathy and positive social skills. While challenging behaviors can be concerning, they also represent opportunities to teach important life lessons about kindness, empathy, and healthy relationships.

Remember that change takes time, and every child develops at their own pace. With consistent, loving guidance based on proven strategies, most children can learn to interact with their peers in positive, respectful ways.

References

1. Blair, C., & Razza, R. P. (2007). Relating effortful control, executive function, and false belief understanding to emerging math and literacy ability in kindergarten. Child Development, 78(2), 647-663.
2. Hughes, C., & Ensor, R. (2007). Executive function and theory of mind: Predictive relations from ages 2 to 4. Developmental Psychology, 43(6), 1447-1459.
3. Pelletier, J., & Brent, J. M. (2002). Parent participation in children’s school readiness: The effects of parental self-efficacy, cultural diversity and teacher strategies. International Journal of Early Childhood, 34(1), 45-60.
4. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2024). 10 Tips to Prevent Aggressive Behavior in Young Children. HealthyChildren.org.
5. Behavioral Interventions for Anger, Irritability, and Aggression in Children and Adolescents. PMC4808268.
6. Review: Evidence-Based Psychosocial Treatments for Childhood Irritability and Aggressive Behavior. JAACAP Open, 2024.
7. Parenting behaviors that shape child compliance: A multilevel meta-analysis. PMC6173420.