We’ve all been there. You spend hours agonizing over an email that should have taken ten minutes. You avoid starting a project because you’re worried it won’t turn out exactly right. You beat yourself up over small mistakes that others barely notice. If this sounds familiar, you might be struggling with perfectionism.
While many people wear the label “perfectionist” as a badge of honor, the reality is far less glamorous. Perfectionism may essentially be an act of disowning our true selves, often serving as a coping mechanism for shame and inadequacy. Far from being a strength, it can sap our energy, affect our mental health, and ironically keep us from reaching our full potential.
First, let’s clarify what perfectionism actually is. Not to be confused with having high standards or striving for excellence, perfectionism involves an unrelenting need to meet impossible standards and a fear of failure that can be debilitating. There’s a crucial difference between healthy ambition and destructive perfectionism.
Psychologists have identified different forms of perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism means having unrealistic expectations for yourself and being hard on yourself when you don’t meet them. And socially-prescribed perfectionism is believing that others have unrealistic expectations for you. Understanding which type affects you can help you address it more effectively.
The negative effects of perfectionism extend far beyond just feeling stressed. Perfectionists have a higher risk of eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and depression. Additionally, successful people are actually less likely to be perfectionists, as the symptoms of perfectionism can hinder achievement, the very thing perfectionists are desperately trying to accomplish.
Think about it. When was the last time your perfectionism actually helped you? More likely, it led to procrastination, exhaustion, or avoiding challenges altogether. The fear of failure can make somebody stuck and almost paralyzed, hindering personal growth.
Breaking Free from Perfectionism
The good news is that you can overcome perfectionism. Here are evidence-based strategies to help:
Set realistic, achievable goals. Perfectionists tend to set goals that are both high and difficult to achieve, causing distress when they’re unable to meet unrealistic expectations. Instead, try setting SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound. Break large tasks into smaller, manageable steps rather than demanding perfection from the start.
Reframe your relationship with failure. Perfectionists often view failure as catastrophic, which may stem from messages heard in childhood. The truth is that mistakes are how we learn and grow. Going out of your comfort zone can help with this process, showing you that growth can often happen when you least expect it. Each mistake is valuable data, not a judgment on your worth as a person.
Practice self-compassion. Treating yourself with understanding and kindness, the same care you would offer another person, is essential. When perfectionist thoughts arise, ask yourself: Would I talk to a friend this way? If not, why is it acceptable to talk to yourself that way?
Challenge perfectionist thoughts. Acknowledging when you’re engaging in perfectionist thinking—like checking and rechecking, apologizing too much for minor mistakes, or spending excessive time on less important things—is the first step in being able to change it. When you catch these thoughts, actively challenge them. Ask yourself: Is this standard realistic? What’s the worst that could actually happen? What would “good enough” look like here?
Recognize the positives. Train yourself to acknowledge what’s working, not just what’s imperfect. For every aspect you’re dissatisfied with, identify three things you appreciate about your work or yourself. This helps counter the perfectionist tendency to fixate only on flaws.
Set time limits for tasks and projects. Give yourself deadlines and stick to them. This reduces the procrastination that typically results from perfectionism and helps you practice accepting “good enough” rather than holding out for impossible perfection.
When a Therapist Might Help
If perfectionism is significantly impacting your quality of life, relationships, or mental health, therapy can be incredibly valuable. Cognitive behavioral therapy in particular can help people struggling with perfectionism reframe their thoughts and understand the deeper reasons behind feeling the pressure to be perfect.
Perfection is unachievable, and chasing it will only leave you exhausted and unfulfilled. The paradox of perfectionism is that by accepting your imperfections, you’ll likely accomplish more, feel better, and lead a richer, more authentic life.
Remember: you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy, successful, or loved. You just need to be you, imperfect, human, and beautifully enough.
I’m Jill Giuliano, LCSW. I’m a therapist who practices in my office in Westfield, New Jersey as well as virtually in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Indiana. If you’re struggling with anxiety, infertility, depression, relationship issues or other concerns, email me or give me a call and we’ll get you started on your journey to feel better.
References
- British Psychological Society. (2024). “7 ways to overcome perfectionism.” Retrieved from https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/7-ways-overcome-perfectionism
- Kent, J. A. (2023). “Perfectionism Might Be Hurting You. Here’s How to Change Your Relationship to Achievement.” Harvard Summer School. Retrieved from https://summer.harvard.edu/blog/perfectionism-might-be-hurting-you-heres-how-to-change-your-relationship-to-achievement/
- Zarrabi, R. (2024). “7 Key Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202403/7-key-strategies-to-overcome-perfectionism
- Gardenswartz, C. (2024). “Overcoming Perfectionism.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-discomfort-zone/202408/overcoming-perfectionism
- Therapy Now. (2024). “Overcoming Perfectionism.” Retrieved from https://www.therapynowsf.com/blog/overcoming-perfectionism
- Oregon Counseling. “10 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism.” Retrieved from https://oregoncounseling.com/article/10-ways-to-overcome-perfectionism/
- University of Michigan Counseling and Psychological Services. “Coping With Perfectionism.” Retrieved from https://caps.umich.edu/content/coping-perfectionism
- Greenspon, T. S., et al. (2008). “Your Best Life: Perfectionism—The Bane of Happiness.” PMC. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4562912/
