Okay, so you’ve got a new baby (or you’re about to), and somewhere in the house is a slightly older tiny human who has been the center of the universe up until now and is about to find out they have company. First off, deep breath. This moment tends to loom really large in parents’ heads, way bigger than it usually ends up being in real life. You’ve got this, and I’ve got a few tips to make it even smoother.
1. Let the Baby Come to Them, Not the Other Way Around
Here’s a small logistical trick that makes a surprisingly big difference: when you first introduce the baby, try having the baby lying in a bassinet or on a blanket, not in your arms. That way your arms and lap are free for your older kid, hugs, cuddles, whatever they need in that moment [1]. If the very first thing your toddler sees is “mom’s arms are full of baby,” that can sting a little before anyone’s even said hello. Free arms for the big kid first, baby second.
2. Skip the Leading Questions
I know it’s tempting to ask, “Aren’t you SO excited to be a big sister?!” the second they walk in the room. Totally understandable instinct. But try to hold off on it. Loaded, hyped-up questions like that can actually make kids feel like their real feelings, which might be a swirl of curious, confused, a little jealous, and yeah, maybe excited too, aren’t allowed [2]. Instead, just let them feel whatever they’re feeling and follow their lead. If they walk in and want to poke the baby’s foot and then go back to playing trains, great. If they want nothing to do with the baby for the first ten minutes, also great. Neither one means anything is wrong.
3. Give Them a Job
Little kids feel a lot more secure when they have a role instead of just watching a role get taken from them. Let them help hand you a diaper, pick out the baby’s outfit, or “read” the baby a book. It sounds small, but being the helper instead of the bystander does a lot of work here [3]. It’s the difference between “there’s a new person taking things over” and “I’m part of Team New Baby.”
4. Expect Some Backsliding, and Don’t Take It Personally
If your previously potty-trained, big-boy-bed-sleeping kid suddenly wants diapers again or won’t sleep without you in the room, that’s incredibly normal. Some regression when a new sibling shows up is genuinely common, it’s just how little kids process a big change, and it doesn’t undo any of the progress they’ve made [4][5]. It usually passes. In the meantime, try not to scold it, just ride it out with as much patience as you can scrape together (which, fair warning, might not be a ton, you also just had a baby).
5. Name Their Feelings Out Loud, Even the Not-Nice Ones
If your kid says “I don’t like the baby” or “send it back,” resist the urge to correct or shush them. Try something like, “It’s okay to feel that way sometimes, it’s a big change.” Naming a feeling out loud, instead of arguing them out of it, tends to make it smaller and more manageable, not bigger [6]. Kids this age often don’t have the words for what they’re feeling yet, so you kind of get to be their translator for a while.
The Honest Truth
However this first meeting goes, whether it’s a sweet Pinterest-worthy moment or your toddler completely ignores the baby to ask about snacks, it’s not a preview of their whole relationship. Sibling bonds are built over years, not in one hospital room photo op. Give it time, keep showing up with patience, and let the relationship unfold the way it’s going to unfold.
I’m Jill Giuliano, LCSW. I’m a therapist practicing in my office in Westfield, New Jersey and virtually in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, and I love supporting families through exactly this kind of transition. If you’re navigating a big family change and want some extra support, email me or call (908) 232-4044.
References
[1] Taking Cara Babies. How to Prepare Your Toddler for a New Sibling. https://www.takingcarababies.com/blogs/toddlers/how-to-prepare-your-toddler-for-a-new-sibling
[2] Parenting Style Blog. 10 Tips to Handle Sibling Jealousy and Rivalry with a Newborn. https://www.parentingstyleblog.com/blog/10-tips-to-handle-sibling-jealousy-and-rivalry-with-a-newborn
[3] Leon Psychology. Worried About Jealousy Towards the New Baby? A Guide to Preparing Your Toddler for a New Sibling. https://leonpsychology.ca/en/worried-about-jealousy-towards-the-new-baby-a-guide-to-preparing-your-toddler-for-a-new-sibling/
[4] Coram Family Lives. Managing Sibling Jealousy. https://www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/advice/early-years-development/behaviour/dealing-with-challenging-behaviour-when-a-new-baby-arrives/
[5] Cradlewise. Sibling Jealousy: How to Help Your Older Child Adjust to a New Baby. https://cradlewise.com/blog/sibling-jealousy-tips-for-new-parents/
[6] Cradlewise. Sibling Jealousy: How to Help Your Older Child Adjust to a New Baby. https://cradlewise.com/blog/sibling-jealousy-tips-for-new-parents/
