By Jill Giuliano, LCSW | Anxiety Therapist in Westfield, NJ
When something makes us anxious, the natural response is to avoid it. Makes sense, right? If the thing that makes you anxious isn’t there, you won’t feel anxious.
Except… it doesn’t actually work that way. And as an anxiety therapist in Westfield, NJ, I spend a lot of time helping people understand why avoidance, though it feels like relief, is one of the main reasons anxiety sticks around.
The Short-Term vs. Long-Term Problem
Avoidance works beautifully in the short term. You skip the party you were dreading, and immediately you feel better. You put off the difficult conversation, and the tightness in your chest loosens.
But here’s the problem, every time you avoid something anxiety-provoking, you send your brain a very clear message. “That thing was actually dangerous, and avoiding it kept you safe.” Your brain files that away, and the next time that situation comes up, the anxiety is a little louder, a little more insistent. Over time, the list of things you avoid can grow, and your world gets smaller.
Avoidance also prevents you from learning something crucial. You can handle it. Every time you face something and survive it (which you almost always do), you build evidence that you’re more capable than your anxiety tells you.
What Avoidance Looks Like
It doesn’t always look like staying home from a party. Avoidance can be subtle. It can look like scrolling your phone instead of having a hard conversation. Staying very busy so you never have to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Asking for constant reassurance to temporarily quiet the anxiety. Procrastinating on tasks that feel overwhelming.
What to Do Instead
The therapeutic approach that directly addresses avoidance is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) or, more broadly, gradual exposure. The idea is to gently and systematically face what you’ve been avoiding, starting with the least threatening version and working your way up.
This isn’t about forcing yourself to face your worst fear all at once. It’s about small, manageable steps that help your brain learn: “I can handle this. I’m safe.”
Alongside exposure, learning to tolerate uncertainty, rather than trying to eliminate it, is one of the most powerful things you can do for anxiety.
Getting Support
Breaking avoidance patterns is genuinely difficult to do alone. Having a therapist by your side makes a significant difference. If you’re in the Westfield, NJ area and avoidance has been keeping your anxiety alive, I’d love to help. Reach out to schedule a consultation, including teletherapy options if you prefer to start from home.
